The Hunger Pains (Harvard Lampoon)
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- For the graphic novel parody, see The Hunger Pains (Papercutz Slices).
The Hunger Pains is a parody book of The Hunger Games written by the Harvard Lampoon which was released on February 7, 2012. The audiobook is narrated by Joy Osmanski.
Contents |
Plot
Edit
On the morning of Super Fun Day, Kantkiss Neverclean and her hunting partner Carol Handsomestein hunt a cow from beyond the fence before they participate in the selection ceremony. In District 12 this is the "nose game", in which whoever touches their fingers to their noses last becomes tributes. Her sister, Princess "Prin" Neverclean, is selected, but Kantkiss is volunteered to participate by Slimey Sue, who is trying to get revenge on Kantkiss. She is paired with Pita Malarky, the baker's son who she knows as the "Boy with the Head" due to his massive head. Pita was responsible for her first sale when she was struggling to become a telemarketer to support her family after her father was killed in an explosion at the telemarketing office. Although he bought something that her company did not carry, completing this first sale helped Kantkiss become more successful.
CharactersEdit
| Hunger Games Name | Hunger Pains Name | Description |
| Katniss Everdeen | Kantkiss Neverclean | A clueless 17 year old girl who works as a telemarketer to support her family. She has questionable hunting skills and no friends except for Carol. |
| Peeta Mellark | Pita Malarky | An obese boy obsessed with eating known to Kantkiss as the "Boy with the Head" due to his large head. He can disguise himself as large, realistic versions of baked goods and emits the distinctive smell of a bakery. |
| Haymitch Abernathy | Buttitch Totalapathy | A gambling addict who will bet on practically anything. He has massive gambling debt and is barely helpful to his tributes, although he does teach Kantkiss how to act like a lady during the interview. |
| Primrose "Prim" Everdeen | Princess "Prin" Neverclean | Prin is quite horrible and sarcastic to Kantkiss, but her sister is too clueless to notice. She is ecstatic when Kantkiss volunteers to take her place and does not care how her sister performs. |
| Effie Trinket | Effu Poorpeople | A Capital snob who lives up to her name. |
| Rue | Run Babyrun | A six month old baby who says her first word ("ketchup") during the interview. Nonetheless she appears (to Kantkiss) to be highly intelligent despite her young age. |
| Thresh | Smash | Speaks in a simplified manner and is insanely strong. He threatens to kill people until he recalls some small favor that they did for him and then calls it even. |
| Cato | Archie Nemesis | Acts like a quarterback, using a steel football that he throws as a weapon and treats the Varsity pack like a football team. One of the three co-winners of the Games because he claims to have fallen in love with Kantkiss to stop her from killing him and is spared. Unlike in the actual book, Archie is from District 1. |
| Glimmer | Mandy Kappagamma | A blonde Valley Girl who is not sure whether or not Archie likes her. |
| Foxface | Dogface | Dies from eating rocks that Pita was gathering to make a fire pit. |
| Gale Hawthorne | Carol Handsomestein | True to his name, a handsome boy who Kantkiss is in love with and easily gets distracted by whenever they are not "hunting". His nickname for her is "Catpiss" because he misheard her the first time they met, and she had stepped in a puddle of cat urine at the time. |
| Cinna | Cinnabon | Despite being the most sympathetic member of Kantkiss' team, Cinnabon does not properly plan her outfits and has to scramble to come up with something, such as a white sheet for the chariot ride, making her a ghost, then wrapping her in toilet paper with a cooking pot on her head for the interview, making her a warrior mummy. |
| Coriolanus Snow | Mark Bernette | Has a cult of personality. Approves of Kantkiss' reasoning with the berries that she wanted to know what they tasted like. |
| Caesar Flickerman | Jaesar Lenoman | Had his chin modified by plastic surgery to make it ridiculously long. Fond of giving monologues during the interviews. |
| Madge Undersee | Badge Underwear | Has a pin stating "THE CAPITAL SUCKS", which Kantkiss convinces her to give to her. |
| Greasy Sae | Slimey Sue | Volunteers Kantkiss for the Hunger Games because she accused Sue's husband of a crime he did not commit, resulting in his execution. |
| Buttercup | Butterball | A 50-pound dog that everyone believes is a cat. |
| Lavinia | Rose | When Kantkiss came across Rose and her boyfriend making out in the woods during one of her hunts, she called the Pacemakers on them. Rose hates Kantkiss, who thinks that her actual name is Circle due to her cluelessness. |
| Delly Cartwright | Dietcoke Elevatortable | |
| Octavia | Octopus | |
| Flavius | Flabbiest | |
| Venia | Venereal |
LocationsEdit
Added by BrokenSpherePanem is known as Peaceland and based on the United States. It is centered around the Capital, which is on the site of the former Disneyland. Kantkiss lives in the poorest area of District 12, the Crack. It is stated that District 12 was once Cleveland. The Hob is the Nob.
DistrictsEdit
There were 200 districts before the uprising but 188 were destroyed.
| District | Hunger Games industry | Hunger Pains industry/Description |
| 1 | Luxury | Breeding children to dominate the Hunger Games, with a focus on sports. The tributes behave like jocks. |
| Masonry | Ultimate Fighting | |
| 3 | Technology | Moral Qualms |
| 6 | Transportation | Old Money. The tributes have been so pampered from birth that they have not had to exert themselves like normal people and are extremely weak physically. |
| 7 | Lumber | District Attorney |
| 8 | Textiles | Red Light |
| 10 | Livestock | Theater. The tributes are trained musical theatre actors. |
| 12 | Mining | Telemarketing. Centered around the former Cleveland, Ohio. |
MuttsEdit
Mutts are transformations, or "trannies". Tracker jackers are LSBees, whose stings have a hallucinatory, yet pleasant effect as the victim gets "high". Near the end of the Games the fallen tributes are turned into puppy trannies which look and behave like them. There are also sharts, part Great White Shark, part Siberian tiger, and haze, trees which will produce hazelnut coffee from their trunks.
OtherEdit
- Career Tributes - Varsity Tributes
- Avox - Notalks
- Gamemakers - Rainmakers
- Peacekeepers - Pacemakers
- District 12 respect sign - Middle finger salute
- The Jamaican accent is the Capitol accent.
