Trigger: Selfharm/Suicide

Back in 2012 I was still a little, immature boy, who had no idea how much this website would influence his life. I've made friends as well as enemies during the time I was here and they all mattered, they all formed this wiki. 

I became a mod in April, 2012 and was thrilled to be one. It was an honour back then. But I was and had been quite depressed for a while back then. I grew moody, arrogant (to hide my insecurities) and unreasonable. I was demodded after an accident and honestly, I was broken. This wiki meant everything to me. Everyone hated me, so I grew to hate the wiki as well and I left to try my luck in the real world. 

That didn't work out. My depression got worse and I started self harming. This went on for another whole year until I tried to kill myself this February. I was admitted to a mental constitution for a while. And there I was, 15 and enough hurt for an entire life time. Sometimes I still have a moment, I still don't want to look in the mirror, I still have physical as well as mental scars. But I worked hard to recover and I have. 

I'm not seeking for attention, I just need to get my story off my chest. I'm ashamed of how I behaved and I want to apologise to all of you whom I've hurt, that was never my intention. Here are some of the people that matter(ed) to me during my time at the Wiki.


You were my best friend and I was yours. I thought our love would be eternal but here I am and you're not. The thought of you still hurts after 2 years and I still miss you. Hell, I've been looking everywhere for you and not finding a single trace. I'm sad the fun had to end, 'cause that's what I felt around you. It hurts you know, that you're gone and I have to stay. And I've wanted to say this to your face, but I can't, I can't find you. In all honesty, I'm mad at you, so mad at you for leaving me. But I still love you to death and I hope for your return.


I know you hate me and I don't blame you. I was a jerk. But there were and sometimes still are reasons why I was and am a jerk. I hope you know that and accept my apologies some day. Although you're a wikia star now, I still remember the first time you came on and when you told me about your idea for The Pain Games. I'll never be able to see past that. Remmeber how you, Scar and I, we were a team? Now we're not. One is gone, one is done and one did wrong. 


My ol' troll. We've had our difficulties but I always considered you a friend. When I think back, I still laugh at how you always gave the admins a headache as you'd always pop up again after a ban. Of course, there was the accident. We may not have been the closest (althoughh quite close), but we were constant and I could not wish for a better friend.


I still remember the first time you came on chat. You were a friend of Scarlet's and that made me like you immediately. But when I got to know you, I also liked you for who you were. A funny, bright young girl. We never had  any major fall outs. When I returned, you treated me like you did during the old days and I'm so grateful for that. I love you.


You're one of the users I respect the most. You probably are. I remember you asking me to approve of your message on chat as to make sure you weren't breaking any rules. I remember you learning me Danish and me learning you Dutch. And I'm sorry I cut you off, but the reason is mentioned above. I hope you can forgive me.


Ryan and I were such close friends once and I don't know what happened. We were never inbetween friends. You were either with me and I was with you or we were against each other. Despite that, we still were friends most of the time, although sometimes it was difficult. I hope we can go back to being close friends.


My occupation on my Justafox profile has been saying Sending Liza a bday card on the 9th of July for the last 2 years and if that doesn't describe how much I liked you, then I don't know what doesn't. We were Pain Games buddies and always had fun together. You were also one of the people to treat me no differently and I love you for that.


I got to know you as Cass. A girl who I thought was wonderful, a girl that was fun, a girl that was a force to be reckoned with. Now that I've come back I find you're a boy. But that doesn't change anything, you reassured me you were being yourself back then. So you're still all I just listed, just not a girl.


We're not friends and I know that, but I still feel like I have to include you here. I remember when you first came on chat and I was thrilled to have another Dutch person on here. Then I got to know you and not so much anymore. We've had our fights, more downs than ups and we've never been friends, I know that. There was always this tension between us. But I respect you as a user and I wanted to let you know that.


Same goes here. Never friends. Never liked each other that much. I can't really recall but I think we've had fights too. But when I returned to this wiki, I find you to be still the exact same person, but yet so different. I think you've matured and I hope things will go good between us. 

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